Hey, little man, get up out of bed
And wipe all the sleep from those eyes
I know that it’s late, but we just couldn’t wait
To tell you our big new surprise
Remember that night, about three months ago
When you walked into Mom and Dad’s room?
And then how we talked of the birds and the bees
And “arousal” and “climax” and “wombs?”
Well, six months from now, you’ll be a big brother
That’s right, Little Tiger, it’s true:
Mommy and Daddy are making a better version of you
It might be a boy, just like his older brother
But without the flaws holding you down
Or, if we are lucky, we could have a girl
Like we wanted the first time around
Maybe this new person won’t wet the bed
Or bug us for candy and toys
I bet the new you will shut up when we tell them
And not make so much goddamn noise
Thanks to the five years we’ve had you to practice on
Now we know what not to do
Mommy and Daddy are making a better version of you
Can you imagine the things he’ll achieve
As a doctor or lawyer or Indian chief?
He’ll be an astronaut, he’ll bring world peace
He will win the World Series and cure all disease
He will be handsome
And he will be popular
He will be wealthy
And very important
And he will be famous
And he will be special
And you get to watch
It’s a lot for a five-year-old boy to take in
But we know that you’re brave and you’re tough
We ask that you give to him all of your love
And your bedroom and all of your stuff
It’s not a replacement—it’s more like an upgrade
It’s Our Little Guy, version II
Mommy and Daddy are making
The bun’s in the oven and baking
Mommy and Daddy are making a better version of you
