This is Bo Burnham
He's 22 years old
He's a male
And he looks like the genetic product of a giraffe having sex with Ellen Degeneres
He has a gigantic head and tiny nipples
He's isolated himself over the last 5 years in pursuit of comedy
And in doing so, has lost touch with reality
You're an asshole, Bo
You hear me?
You think you know better than me
You think you know better than everybody
You will die alone
And you will deserve it
But in the meantime
You might as well tell those silly jokes of your's
See if that helps
[Bo, bo bo, bo-bo bo bo...]
You used to do comedy
When you felt like being funny
But now you're contractually obligated
So dance you fucking monkey
Dance monkey dance
Welcome to the show,
This is Bo,
This is his show,
And Bo likes to dance like this
Welcome to the show
This is Bo
This is his show
And Bo takes off his pants like this
Play an invisible drum
Play an invisible trumpet
[Trumpet sound!]
Drink some invisible water
Oh shit that water's real!
Bo wants to make you feel comfortable
Bo wants to make you feel comfortable
[Random voice!]
Bo wants to make you feel comfortable
So sit back relax and enjoy a healthy dose of
Prolonged eye contact [Prolonged Eye contact!] (x11)
Lick your lips to make it more comforting
Do you wanna see a magic trick? [Yeah!]
Do you wanna see a magic trick? [Yeah!]
Do you wanna see a magic trick? [Yeah!]
Then pick a card
Any card-
Psych!
Magic isnt real you idiot, Read a book!
Magic isnt real you idiot, Read a book!
Magic isnt real you idiot, Read a book!
Magic isn't real-
Or is it?
And at that moment,
Bo's 20-year-old cynicism melted into child-like wonder.
He never knew there could be so much magic in the world
It's a world of possibilities Bo.
What do you wanna do first?
Run? Yeah, sure, you can run
Fly? Well yeah, you can fly.
What-
What are you-
What the fuck are you-
What the fuck are you doing?
Stop
St-Stop it
What the f-
You fucking idiot
Stop-Stop
Stop.
Anyways...
In the distance, Bo saw a beautiful fairy
A fairy so beautiful he felt proud to be called one in high school
Then came across an old bridge with a troll standing guard
Bo knew that he'd have to answer a riddle to get by
The troll spoke thus
"Alright for the last time man, I'm not a troll, I'm homeless
Okay, do you have any spare change?
That's a used napkin, I don't want that
No-No- Stop.
You know what?
Leave, just leave, Please leave."
And then, as Bo arrived on the other side of the stage
He saw a unicorn with five horns right in front of him
And the pentacorn spoke thus
"Hello Bo, I've been looking for you for quite a long t-"
He was safe,
For now
But the dark thoughts would soon return.
[Godzilla!! Noo! Ohmygod! Oh. My God! Oh nooo! Fire! Ahhhh!]
It's so hard to be a lizard
[Has anyone seen my son? I lost my son!]
It's hard to be a lizard
[What did we do god, what did we do? He killed my wife, that monster killed my wife]
Tiny arms, itchy gizzard
[Oh my god, okay, why is he singing? He killed my whole family! Oh my god... why?]
It's so hard to be a lizard
But it's harder to segway
Is he skiing, or is he in a gay porn?
Is he skiing, [What!] or is he in a gay porn?
Is he skiing, [Huh!] or is he in a gay porn?
Here's a hint- he's in a gay porn
Okay Bo, this miming shit is getting pretty annoying, so give 'em the real thing
My voice is so fucking natural
It's naturally good
Naturally good
Naturally good
This is the end of the song and the beginning of the show,
Welcome to the show!
