In 1986, the University of California at Davis
saw two of its all-time brightest stars,
Dr. Alphonse Mephisto and Dr. Arnie Apesacrappin.
Dr. Mephisto worked hard towards his thesis - his goal
was to genetically duplicate the DNA structure of asparagus,
so that all asparagus would grow to the same girth and length,
giving asparagus a much more pleasant presentation in the world's
supermarket vegetable bins.
Dr. Apesacrappin's goal was to genetically create the greatest
musical entertainer the world had ever seen.
Dr. Apesacrappin knew that if he could assemble the right elements,
he could theoretically build a DNA structure that would ensure
his creation had talent far surpassing the average individual.
At the time, one subject of urban myth was the story that
Michael Jackson - in an effort to maintain his youthful look and
feminine vocal characteristics - had his testicles surgically removed,
thereby making him a modern-day castrato.
If such a rumor were true, Michael Jackson more than likely would have
had some of his semen preserved before the surgery, to ensure the
future of his name and lineage.
Word came back to Dr. Apesacrappin of a secret cold storage locker
deep within the bowels of the UCLA research center, that not only
contained four containers of frozen semen, but also held a pair of
testicles, each was labeled with the name "Jack Michaelson".
I once heard a noise
In the night, the most sensual voice
Song of love from an angelic boy
Stuck in my head
And this is what he said:
I am gopher boy
Pondering reality
I am gopher boy
Who will buy my raspberries?
This had to be the seed of the King of Pop!
Dr. Apesacrappin was able to use his charm and chiseled Greek
features to woo a young lab technician by the name of Jennifer - who, of
course, just happened to have the proper access needed to obtain a small vial
of the precious semen.
The search for the egg was a short one; Dr. Mephisto simply ran an ad
in the classified section of an L.A. music magazine. The ad read:
"Wanted: unfertilized human eggs for genetic experiment. Donors must
have musical background." With a plethora of young, eager, wanna-be
musical starlets willing to sell their eggs, the two doctors - after
rigorous auditioning - picked and purchased.
Dr. Apesacrappin felt that it would be far less complicated legally if the
fetus were brought to term in the womb of a non-human. He had long since
secured the services of the University volleyball mascot, a llama by the
name of "Missy".
When the baby was ready, the child was removed via cesarean. It was a healthy baby
boy. He was named Kevin.
I once heard a noise
In the night, the most sensual voice
Song of love from an angelic boy
Stuck in my head
And this is what he said:
I am gopher boy
Pondering reality
I am gopher boy
Who will buy my raspberries?
Kevin was a beautiful child. Dr. Apesacrappin saw to it that Kevin was
trained by the best in all aspects of performing. His voice was golden, and had a
sweetness to it that most males lacked. He moved with grace, and was able to
moonwalk by the time he was three. As Kevin grew with his talent, Dr. Apesacrappin
started noticing odd developments in his physical state. When Kevin lost his baby
teeth, his secondaries came in with a vengeance. They were at least twice
the size of a normal adult's, and the two in front stuck nearly straight out. Also,
as Kevin reached his eighth year, he was the same height as he was when he was four. To
top it off, he was growing hair all over and his penis was enormous, even by adult
standards.
It also dawned on the doctor that even through all the years of hearing Kevin sing,
he rarely spoke, often choosing to communicate with various grunts and gurgles.
I once heard a noise
In the night, the most sensual voice
Song of love from an angelic boy
Stuck in my head
And this is what he said:
I am gopher boy
Pondering reality
I am gopher boy
Who will buy my raspberries?
Others were noticing the changes in Kevin. Children began to tease him - to call him "Gopher Boy".
One day a bully by the name of "Big Roy" started throwing bananas at him.
Soon a crowd of kids were all throwing bananas.
Suddenly, in a fury, Kevin rushed at Big Roy and bit three fingers off on his left hand.
Kevin was taken away and placed in the custody of the state.
Dr. Apesacrappin's actions were found out, but because there was no legislation
concerning the genetic construction of another human being, no criminal charges were brought forth.
The medical association's board of ethics stripped him of all his credentials, and his reputation was ruined.
In fact, his name became so synonymous with failure that for years to come,
med students around the world were known to say in times of mishaps,
"Damn, I feel just like Apesacrappin."
Dr. Mephisto immediately began proceedings to adopt little Kevin.
Being a noted scientist and the creator of the cloned asparagus,
it wasn't long before the two were legally united as father and son.
They moved to Colorado, where they live in relative obscurity.
Kevin is still a boy of few spoken words, sticking mainly to his grunts and gurgles.
But on occasion, if you listen closely,
you can hear his sweet golden signing voice ring out into the night over the small town of South Park:
I am gopher boy
Pondering reality
I am gopher boy
Who will buy my raspberries?
