And in three...two...
Chris Parnell
We're sitting here today with film star Natalie Portman.
Natalie Portman
Hello.
Parnell
So, Natalie, what's a day in life of Natalie Portman like?
Portman
Do you really want to know?
Parnell
Please, tell us...
Portman
I don't sleep, motherfucker
Off that yak and that durban
Doin' 120 gettin' head while I'm swervin'
Seth Meyers
Damn Natalie, you a crazy chick
Portman
Yo, shut the fuck up and suck my dick
I bust in dudes' mouth like gushers, motherfucker
Roll up on NBC and smack the shit outta Jeff Zucker
Guys
What you want, Natalie?
Portman
To drink and fight
Guys
What you need, Natalie?
Portman
To fuck all night
Don't test me when I'm crazy off that airplane glue
Put my foot down your throat
Till your shit's in my shoe
Leave you screaming
Pay for my dry cleaning
Fuck your man
It's my name that he's screamin'
Parnell
I'm sorry Natalie, but are we to believe you condone driving while intoxicated?
Portman
I never said I was a role model.
Parnell
But, what about the kids that look up to you? Do you have a message for them?
Portman
All the kids lookin' up to me can suck my dick
It's Portman, motherfucker
Drink till I'm sick
Slit your throat
And pour nitrous down the hole
Watch you laugh and cry
While I laugh, you die
And all the dudes
You know I'm talkin' to you
Guys
We love you, Natalie
Portman
I wanna fuck you, too
P is for Portman
P is for pussy!
I'll kill your fuckin' dog for fun
So don't push me
Parnell
Wow! Natalie...I'm surprised. All this from a Harvard graduate.
Portman
Well there's a lot you may not know about me.
Parnell
Really? Uh, such as?
Portman
When I was in Harvard
I smoked weed every day
I cheated every test
And snorted all the yay
I gotta a def posse
You gotta buncha dudes
I sit right down on your face and take a shit
Andy Samberg
Natalie you are a bad ass bitch (hell yeah!)
And I always pay for your dry cleaning
When my shit gets in your shoe (What!?)
And as for the drug use
Well, I can vouch for that
My dick is scared of you, girl
Parnell
Okie-doke. Natalie...one final question, if you could steal a smooch from any guy in Hollywood, who would it–
Portman
No more questions
What?!
