I have an underwater camera just in case I crash my car into a river, and at the last minute I see a photo opportunity of a fish that I have never seen.
One time, this guy handed me a picture of him, he said,"Here's a picture of me when I was younger." Every picture is of you when you were younger. "Here's a picture of me when I'm older." "You son-of-a-bitch! How'd you pull that off? Lemme see that camera... what's it look like? "
I got a roommate. I live in New York City. I got roommate to save money. But, see, I fucked up cuz I'm 31 and I'm too old for a roommate. I fucked up severely. I signed a year lease, too. I really fucked up. It's like I wrote a joke that didn't work, but now I have to tell it for a year. My roommate says, "I need to shave and use the shower. Does anyone need to use the bathroom?" It's like some weird-ass quiz where he reveals the answer first.
Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'
Sometimes I wave to people I don't know. It's very dangerous to wave to someone you don't know because, what if they don't have a hand? They'll think you're cocky. "Look what I got motherfucker! This thing is useful. I'm gonna go pick something up!"
I drank some boiling water... cause I wanted to whistle...
If you lost your wallet, it's hard to dance. Hey I just lost my wallet but, hey this song is funky... fuck it... that shit's no good... this is a cd called "hit and miss"...
I got a robe... it's not a robe really it's just a towel that fits me.
My sister wanted to be an actress. She never made it, but she does live in a trailer... so she got halfway. She's an actress, she's just never called to the set.
On a traffic light green means 'go' and yellow means 'yield', but on a banana it's just the opposite. Green means 'hold on,' yellow means 'go ahead,' and red means, 'where the fuck did you get that banana at?'
